Mastering the art of conversation can help you attract the one you’re interested in.
Josh needed help, and it was clear just ten minutes into our first date. He had no idea how to carry on a conversation with me, even though he’d done great when we’d just been messaging!
This is a problem a lot of men have, and it’s something I work on specifically with my clients as a Relationship and Dating Coach.
If I’d been Josh’s Relationship Coach instead of one of his lackluster dates, these are the seven tips I would have told him to follow:
1. Have Some Things You Know You Can Talk About
Pick a few topics before you even start talking, and then drop them in to keep it going. You should make these interesting to you and to her, allowing her to give her opinions and letting you know more about her.
Some examples might be: How do you deal with stress? What’s something you’re obsessed with? How are you feeling about _______? Do you have any pets? What do you think of tattoos, and do you have any? What’s something that bothered you a lot recently and what did you do about it?
Note: most women are turned off by overtly sexual conversations in the beginning. Avoid these.
2. Ask Questions To Get To Know Her More
Surface questions aren’t going to help you learn any more about the woman in front of you. Instead of jumping from “what do you do?” to “where are you from?” try sticking with one topic and diving deeper.
You can do this by asking questions that relate to her interests, past, or desires.
Let’s say you meet a woman and she tells you she’s a nurse. Here are some potential responses.
Oh cool! What’s the one thing you love most about your job? (interests)
What made you decide to pursue that? (past)
Do you think you’ll stay a nurse, or are you interested in pursuing something different? (desire)
These types of questions tell you more about her as a person, but also keep her interested in the conversation. Researchers also found that dates that the woman is the primary focus of the date’s conversation (the woman uses “I” more and the man uses “you” more) were considered more successful.
3. Offer Information About Yourself
A conversation should never feel like an interview, so make sure you’re not rapidly firing questions at her without giving any information about yourself. Interviews are stressful, and you definitely don’t want her to feellike she’s being interviewed.
But there are a couple of great, easy ways to offer information about yourself while still keeping the focus on her (and getting to know her):
If she expresses a passion you share, tell her.
If she likes hiking and you do too, tell her your favorite hiking spots and ask her about hers. This lets her know you’re really listening and makes her feel comfortable sharing more with you.
Instead of just asking a question, make a statement also.
Ask her something like, “What’s your favorite restaurant to go to in town? I tried India Palace last week, and it was really good.” By sharing information first, you’ll help her feel more comfortable and you can spawn other conversation topics (for example: whether she likes that restaurant, the best Indian restaurant in the area, etc.).
Conversations must involve give and take, so share and give her the opportunity to share too.
4. Listen for “Conversational Leads”
Women will hand you conversation topics IF you just pay attention.
If she says, “I was late getting here because a meeting ran super long. I need a vacation,” she wants to complain about her job for a minute. Ask her about that.
If she says, “I really need to clean out my phone’s photos. I have way too many,” she wants to talk about her pictures. Ask her what she loves photographing so much.
If she says, “I have a super busy weekend,” she wants to talk about what she’s doing. Ask her if she’s glad it’s busy, or if she’d rather not be.
Being a good listener is an incredibly attractive trait to a woman. You’re not only showing her that you hear her, but that you care about the deeper meaning behind what she’s saying. A man who cares is a man women want.
5. Don’t Filter Yourself
When you feel a strong connection with a woman, it’s easy to automatically shut out any thoughts that you don’t think are impressive or interesting.
The problem with editing/filtering yourself that way is that you may stop talking altogether, and how can you have a conversation if you don’t talk?
Even if you end up saying something goofy or stupid, you should want this girl to get to know and like the real you, instead of whoever you think you’re being by holding back.
The right woman will want to continue a conversation with you if you feel free and confident to be yourself.
6. Be Okay with Silence
When there’s silence, most people do all they can to try to fill it, which you can use to your advantage. Just don’t be the one to fill it yourself!
Reporters actually use this as a technique. They continue to gaze at the person they’re interviewing instead of jumping in with a question so the person being interviewed will keep talking.
Don’t panic when there’s silence. Instead, wait for her to start talking.
Here are two reasons why silence is actually golden:
You can pay more attention to your surroundings.
Scan the room (and maybe discover something to talk about). Check out her body language (see if she seems physically interested). Look into her eyes for a moment without speaking (can be romantic).
People who are comfortable with one another don’t have to fill every moment with words.
Smiling while welcoming a comfortable, silent moment between you makes it seem like you’re old friends, not strangers.
7. Know When To Continue The Conversation
Don’t waste your time trying to talk to women who aren’t into you.
If the conversation keeps dragging, she’s staring at her phone or looking around the room, give up. If she’s not giving thoughtful responses to your questions or asking you ones, give up.
A woman who is interested in you will give you her undivided attention. If the one in front of you isn’t, don’t take it personally.
Just know that there IS a woman who really wants to talk to you and go find her instead.
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